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May 08, 2008 12:16 pm
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Column: Extreme sport of motherhood not for amateurs
This is a woman who can juggle soccer matches, parent conferences, dangerously high fevers, public cries of “Mommy, will you wipe me?” and still show up at work most days. She does not even break a sweat when she hears her 5-year-old daughter singing, "I like big butts and I cannot lie."
By Kelly Kazek
CNHI News Service
ATHENS, Ala. — A friend of mine has shown exceptional talent performing extraordinary feats that could best be described as death defying, meaning so far only her mind’s been damaged.
Does she jump 12 school buses on a motorcycle?
Does she perform the half-pipe on a tricked-out skateboard?
Please.
Her sport is much more extreme: She is…Mother of Three Children under the Age of Four.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.
She is a PROFESSIONAL Mother of Three. This is a woman who can juggle soccer matches, parent conferences, dangerously high fevers, public cries of “Mommy, will you wipe me?” and still show up at work most days.
She does not even break a sweat when she hears her 5-year-old daughter singing, "I like big butts and I cannot lie."
These feats performed by mere amateurs have been known to result in physical harm, such as waking to find your body covered in finger paint and a frozen pea shoved up your nose, or damage to property, including finding blue crayon melted into the new carpet or pieces of the minivan’s carburetor in the living room.
This is not a thing to undertake lightly.
As a Pro-MOT, my friend uses her PMS, Precognitive Mom Sense, which is a kind of Spidey sense that lets her know when any outside door to her home opens or a household pet is being coated in Elmer’s glue.
She also can tell, from two rooms away, which kid is attempting to eat chocolate ice cream for breakfast, just by the sound of the freezer door opening.
She has learned after many months of scientific observation and fact-gathering that answering the telephone causes a severe reaction in her children that requires immediate medical attention. They alert her by shouting, “Mommy, mommy,” tugging on her shirt hem and whimpering like Hillary Clinton after losing a primary.
This syndrome has stymied many an amateur mom but the Pro-MOT has spent a research grant and several seconds when she could have been napping to arrive at the best solution: Ignore them.
Even when their screaming reaches decibel levels that prevent you from hearing the person on the other end of the extension, even if the caller finally hangs up in frustration, DO NOT alter course.
Eventually, either the kids will get tired of bothering you or your friends will stop calling.
On the plus side, you will no longer get calls from telemarketers.
The Pro-MOT also knows that children will happily play together (and by “play” I mean pinch their siblings, pull hair and repeatedly shout, “I hate you”) until the second you turn the faucet to fill the tub for a nice, relaxing hot bath.
If you don’t lock the door, another amateur mistake, you will find yourself refereeing an ultimate cage-fighting match while lying naked in a tub filled with lukewarm water.
A Pro-MOT always turns the lock, plugs her ears and puts a sleep mask over her eyes so she will not see the pitiful little fingers poking beneath the bathroom door or hear the plaintive cries of “But Mommy, I just wants to hug you.”
Amateurs, BEWARE. This is only a ploy, an attempt to get you out of the tub so that when you are clothed and dry — wearing your dirty underwear inside-out because you only had time to wash the kids' clothes — and back among your children they can proceed to ignore you.
The Pro-MOT is also professional enough to know that one day, not too long from now, she will have long, uninterrupted hours to take baths or leisurely walks in the park.
She knows the house will suddenly seem too quiet and when the phone rings she will miss the tugging at her hem.
So sometimes, she forgets the bath or the phone call or the millions of feats a Pro-MOT must perform each day and pulls all three kids to her lap while they will still let her give them hugs…and while her mind is still sharp enough to remember all their names.
Kelly Kazek writes for The News Courier in Athens, Ala. She can be reached at kelly@athensnews-courier.com.
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